Monday, October 29, 2012

I never asked for this Life!!!

Sometimes while driving home to clean the house, after buying groceries for dinner, when Redding is doing his new carseat-hyperventilating-scream-crying, I just want to yell "I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS LIFE!"
Of course, immediately following that thought I am plagued with a sharp pang of guilt.  What kind of ungrateful person could think such a thing about their incredibly fortunate life?
Then of course I spiral down.  I don't end up cleaning the house. I do end up turning on the TV.  Which causes Redding's brain to become ruined as well as my morale.  Oh the guilt.

But, honestly, you should know, that I didn't actually ask for this.  Unlike many women who plan out their lives starting with dating, followed by marriage and then children.  John and I were not together long when we discovered we were pregnant.  Lucky for us though, we were very serious and committed to each other, knowing that we had found our life-partner.
Still though, before the pregnancy, I had in my mind that we would do long distance for a while, so I could see the world, make art and dance til the sun rises every night.  Never in my mind did I think, or even consider the possibility that in a year and a half I would be a stay at home mom, a home owner and my biggest decision of the day would be broccoli or brussels sprouts for dinner?

So, it's true I never asked for this life.
However, I should thank the gods that they saw me fit for it anyways.  Because, really, what have I asked for that turned out well?  (I could give you a list of things that I've taken into my own hands that all turned up in shambles, but I'll spare you that).  Let's just say when I take things in my own hands and don't let the universe do it's job of sorting things out for me, I end up pretty miserable.  Besides, dancing til the sun comes up gets old REALLY fast.  Somehow though, I never seem to tire of picking out a movie on netflix and opening a bottle of wine with my Lover.  And, let's be honest, all the carseat-hyperventilating-scream-crying in the world couldn't out weigh the joy of watching my son grow, laugh, and sleep on my chest.  This life is pretty damn fantastic.
I never asked for it, but I sure am glad I got it.

p.s. speaking of getting pregnant, wanna see the coolest announcement video EVER? check it out on my friend's blog!


  1. Oh poor mama. I know what you are going through. Baby tantrums can just drive your poor already stressed brain up another level. I was just at parent participation today ( a baby/mommy class every monday) and we mommies all share the same feelings. We need to know we are doing a wonderful job, and that its okay to relax and turn on the tv for a little while. Just take baby steps, you and the baby are going to turn out perfectly fine, and just realize a lot of mothers out there don't even feel guilty about television, and say hurtful things to their children without caring. You know you are doing a wonderful job raising the baby, and it shows. I also got pregnant 5 months into knowing my man, and we never planned babies (ever) and I was just turning 21, he was 35. I chose to keep my baby and we are dedicated to each other as you are to your man. This is the hardest time right now, and from here it just gets easier. Good luck-
    Cassie @ the

  2. Ah thanks for that! I often often think that I didn't ask for any of this either, even though some of it, I arguably did. I think that most people don't get the life they "planned" - or imagined they'd have. But yes, we have it mostly very good. Glad you're enjoying yours :)

  3. This makes me wanna write a poem. 'Cuz I can identify with it. Those unplanned babies man, they challenge our sense of identity, and our assumptions about reality. I am certain the childless face the same challenge from other quarters but the parenting makes for a special flavor all it's own. Mamma Cass is right: you start at the toughest part and it just gets easier (although I have been told parenting a teenager is much like revisiting the toddler years, which doesn't sound promising). My mother told me, when my daughter was about this age, that infants and the process of caring for them will reveal every crack in a relationship and every fault line in who we think we are. It's trial by fire. Hearing that from a veteran mom of four helped me be patient with myself, so I share it because I hope to spread that comfort.